EPISODE I: RESOLUTIONS 2018
Well, the new year is approaching and so are the obligatory new years’ resolutions. Every year we make the same old resolutions; saving money, stop smoking, and losing weight are the standard fare. Let’s face it, while these are all well-meaning intentions, the resolve to carry out these behavioral changes disappear faster than a plate of baked ziti in front of Rosie O’Donnell or Michael Moore. (I get those two confused sometimes, but who doesn’t.)
These resolutions are on a shakier foundation than the moral clauses in a professional athlete’s contract. Hey, we try, but pizza is fantastic. They say nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, except pizza. Pizza groin kicks skinny, and beats in skinny’s face with a Negan bat. Let’s face it, keeping that kind of commitment up is hard.
Maybe the problem is that we must build up to the tough ones by starting with some easy ones as a jumping off point, and work upwards. I have some here that seem easy. As a matter of fact, these should be easy to accomplish resolutions that also make complete sense.
- Cut off the Man Bun.
- Don’t grow a Man Bun.
- Shave off your 1865 style beard.
- Don’t grow an 1865 style beard in the first place, dipster
- If you’re over thirty, quit the barista job, unless you own the barista, you are doing a college kids job, “Treavor.”
- The over thirty rules also counts for wearing concert tee-shirts, however, this does not apply to the ladies.
- Stop wearing skinny jeans.
- Burn above referenced skinny jeans.
- Bend the bill of your hat and take off the stickers and price tag.
- The bill of the cap goes in the forward direction.
- Put down the comic books, there are ladies out there.
- Cut down on the computer porn, there are ladies out there, real ones.
- Start looking for a lady to share your life with.
- If you are thirty and clubbing every night looking for a lady, change your tactics.
- Find yourself a lady, love her with all your soul, treat her with respect, and be thankful she is even with your goofy fidget spinner ass.
If you are ready, start looking for a good man to share your life with. The guy may not be the dude with the best abs but perhaps you should broaden your horizons a little. Or encourage your dipster beta male friend to work on unbitching himself, and be the man you need.
- If you are clubbing every night, and you are thirty and unmarried, but want to be married, change up your tactics. Perhaps less Honky Tonk, more Church, just saying.
- Stop watching the “Bachelor”. (Is that crap seriously still on?)
- Stop watching “Greys Anatomy”. (Is that crap still going too?)
- Stop watching “This is Us”. (Seriously, is all tv just crap these days?)
- If your current or future boyfriend enjoys watching any of these shows with you, or God forbid, without you, you have a girlfriend. Seriously, stop watching this stuff immediately.
- Be more Martina McBride and less Chelsea Handler. Better yet, no Chelsea Handler. She should really just go away.
The man in your life should love you, respect you, put himself between you and a bullet, have a gun, and know how to use it. If he doesn’t meet this criterion, move on.
This time of year, makes me think of my Dad, he treated all his new female relationships, like a New Year’s Resolution, All full of great intentions, but no real commitment, past February. All my Seasonal Mothers hated that about him.
I believe in the hope and excitement of a New Year and I’m excited about my own continuing life journey, my resolution to be a better husband, father, and friend. To love deeper, hug tighter, forgive easier, work toward inner peace, and peaceful existence for my family and community. To assisting in the teaching of awareness and the ways of the gun.
So, for all my brothers and sisters praying for peace but preparing for something else, Royal Range USA is here for you. Come on out, all are welcome. Ladies, gentlemen, all are welcome and needed on this path. To the Dipsters, come out and start the New Year off with a bang and learn to use a gun. Who knows, you do that, and the Times Square Ball won’t be the only balls dropping.
Happy New Year,
Carl Fuerst-The Fuerst Option
RSO, Trainer, Blogger